On the lighter side

[hbt]

sorry guys just had to post this....
The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

[uargon]

Husband #12 will be a Mapper..
tracks, waypoints etc..

[dyobeer01]

yeh, the Mapper...who knows where the POIs, the waypoints and the tracks... to satisfy....

[hbt]

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

[Borgie]

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

[hbt]

good 1 brother borgie

[Borgie]

Things that make you go hmmm...

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Borgie]

A person who surrenders when he is wrong is honest. A person who surrenders when he isn’t sure is wise. A person who surrenders even if he is right is a HUSBAND .

[Borgie]

senility prayer...

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference .

[hbt]

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day, Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, the King's Chief Doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story...

Please Keep your word

[Borgie]

the most powerful word in the English language

S-H-I-T may just be the most powerful word in the English language......

CONSIDER THIS:----You can be $hit faced, be $hit out of luck, or have $hit for brains. You can smoke $hit, buy $hit, sell $hit, lose $hit, find $hit, forget $hit, and tell others to eat $hit and die. You can $hit or go blind, have a $hit fit or just $hit your life away. People can be $hit headed, $hit brained, $hit blinded, and $hit over. Some people know their $hit while others can't tell the difference between $hit and holy $hit. There are lucky $hits, dumb $hits, crazy $hits, and sweet $hits. There is bull$hit, horse$hit and chicken $hit. You can throw $hit, sling $hit, catch $hit, or duck when the $hit hits the fan. You can take a $hit, give a $hit, or you can find yourself in deep $hit. Some days are colder than $hit, some days are hotter than $hit, and some days are just plain $hitty. Some music sounds like $hit, things can look like $hit, and there are times when you feel like $hit. You can have too much $hit, not enough $hit, the right $hit, the wrong $hit or a lot of weird $hit. Sometimes you really need this $hit and sometimes you don't want any $hit at all.......$hit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your $hit, you don't need to know anything else.

[hbt]

TOP JOKES

Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.


Top Joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.


Top Joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'


Top Joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.


Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool.
One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.

[Borgie]

A damn fine explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began --
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please . do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[hbt]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too

[hbt]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS."