On the lighter side

[Borgie]

The Lawyer

The madam opened the door and saw a dignified, well built, well-dressed, good-looking man in his mid forties. "May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I would like to see Valerie, please," the man politely replied.

"Sir, Valerie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer to see someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see only Valerie,' he firmly replied.

Just then, the stunningly beautiful young Valerie appeared and announced to the gentleman that her charged is $5,000 per visit. Without hesitation, the dignified visitor immediately pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to the madam and together with Valerie they both went upstairs. After sometime, the gentleman left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more firmly requesting to see Valerie. Valerie herself explained to the visitor that no one ever comes back two nights in a row asking to see the same girl. She explained that she was expensive and that there was no discount. The price was still $5,000 per visit. Maybe, the gentleman will prefer somebody else's company for the evening.

Yet, the visitor was gently insistent and with a winsome smile pulled out the money, gave it to the madam and went upstairs with Valerie. After sometime, he left.

The following night, the gentleman was there yet again. Everyone was dumbfounded, including Valerie. That he had come for the third consecutive night and asking for the same girl and paying the stiff price of $5,000 per visit was simply out of this world! But he cheerfully paid the madam and went up the stairs with Valerie.

After the evening was nearly over, Valerie said to the gentleman, "No one has ever been with any of the ladies here three nights in a row with the same visitor. Where are you from?"

The visitor replied, "Asia." "Really," Valerie said. "I have family in Asia."

"I know," the visitor said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She commissioned me to personally give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[hbt]

good one kuya bai

[hbt]

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the
doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor,
too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
going to get me a tetanus shot."
__________________________________________________ _____________________
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival
in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day
in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen
to show it to."

__________________________________________________ ______________________
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde
who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob
replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her
to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[hbt]

since we are all waiting, heres another one

MARRIAGE
COMMANDMENT 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so are thunder and lightning.

COMMANDMENT 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

COMMANDMENT 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

COMMANDMENT 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

COMMANDMENT 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

COMMANDMENT 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

COMMANDMENT 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

COMMANDMENT 8
Every man wants a wife, who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

COMMANDMENT 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

COMMANDMENT 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said,
"Hey!...This thing really works!"

[Reiji]

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the
doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor,
too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
going to get me a tetanus shot."

Then he replied, "Who said that I'll be using it on you?"

cant help it.

[felixbertoo]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her -- the ballerina?"



The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[hbt]

ITALIAN DIVORCE COURT
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says:
"Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose
ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa.
I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. ?"Giuseppi, is disa true.
You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top??
What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says,
"Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah,
Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.
Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy.
My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says,
"Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:
Number one, you always keepa your nose clean.
ana number two, never screw up."

[hbt]

THE BIKE


A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.


So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."


The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ' Rock. '


The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.


The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.



The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ?



The chief replied, "My bike !!!"



Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle !!!

[hbt]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams. "
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets".

[Borgie]

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that should ever happen to me, please ~ just pull the
plug and release me."

Immediately, my children got up, went to my den and unplugged my computer,
my flat tv screen and blue ray disc player, my satellite disc connection, and my
total sense-surround stereo system.

Then they marched to the kitchen and threw out all my beers!

[hbt]

JOI- Jokes Of Interest

How to know when you're living "La Vida Locale" way too much with your GPS:
30) Geocaching is the art of using million-dollar military satellites for civilian scavenger hunts all for free.
29) Finding a Tupperware geocache with a plastic doll inside is better than finding the hidden immunity-idol on Survivor.
28) You geotag your metal-detector finds at the beach so you can return to the same spot again and look for more.
27) The speed indicator on your GPS redlines at 999 when you fly the Concorde to Europe and check your groundspeed onboard.
26) Your GPS screen shows so many POI that it looks like a target from your last paint-ball gun war games.
25) You helped the local Pastor replace the "you-have-arrived" checkered flag on his GPS with the Pearly Gates.
24) You know you've entered too many waypoints on your route when the GPS voice says, "Game over, insert quarter".
23) Hawaiian POI means vacation destinations instead of that starchy taro-root paste.
22) Russian Roulette means picking a random GPS "Favorites" destination for your wife's birthday-present trip.
21) The Bermuda Triangle is the satellite dead-zone in the airport radar approach pattern where your GPS freaks out.
20) You've tattooed your home latitude/longitude coordinates on your left arm, along with a Reward-If-Found message.
19) You've reprogrammed the Red Light/Speed Camera file to sound the alarm anytime you're near a donut shop.
18) You know that geostationary doesn't mean trying to pass a walking sobriety test without falling over.
17) You're using your old satellite TV dish antenna on your car as an external GPS antenna, and it really works.
16) When you get pulled over for speeding, you try to beat it by explaining your GPS can't track that fast.
15) Your favorite GPS menu selection is the one that answers "How many more exits?" when your kids ask you.
14) You've made your own custom GPS celebrity-voice using your Mother-In-Law.
13) You take your GPS with you on roller-coaster rides at amusement parks.
12) You know you need new Nav Maps when the voice in your GPS speaker says "eeny-meeny-miney-mo".
11) You fear the "Orange Screen of Death" when you drive off the end of the Nav Map and are now dead-reckoning.
10) You use Tripmaster on your GPS to make sure your kid is mowing every square inch of the lawn at your house.
9) You use the "When do you want to arrive?" feature on your GPS as a bedside alarm clock in the morning.
8) Easter-egg hunts for your kids are done using a list of geocache coordinates in your backyard.
7) You geocache your wallet and car keys inside your own home to remember where you last left them.
6) When your neighbor asks what your GPS actually does, you explain that it keeps you "Goin' Pretty Straight".
5) Your parrot whistles the Dutch national anthem whenever it hears the TomTom boot-up drum beats.
4) Your kids explain how their day in the neighborhood went using latitude & longitude coordinates.
3) Your POI BMP icons are your kid's faces, so you know when you drive by their favorite destinations.
2) Your back-up GPS consists of a world-globe and a C-clamp to secure it to your automobile dash.
1) If you're a male driver, you don't need to stop and ask directions. When you own a GPS, you're never lost; you just haven't arrived there yet.

[hbt]

anybody wanna challenge this?

http://www.petapixel.com/2010/08/14/...es-of-driving/

[hbt]

on the lighter side or on the sad side


THE FREE HAIRCUT

Sounds familiar ???

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a police officer came in for a haircut and, when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The officer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

A Congressman came in for a haircut and, when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[trekker]

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!


Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

Enjoy life!!!

[doki]

reposted from an fb group


BEFORE MARRIAGE
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
...He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from the bottom going up...