On the lighter side

[razorspells]

Nice pics hbt, thanks for sharing...

[jaysondin87]

haha panalo yung unang pic!

[Borgie]

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

-------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humor!'

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[hbt]

BABY'S FIRST DOCTOR VISIT

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Borgie]

The Sweetness of Married Life


The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar..... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FECKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'

And they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

And how sweet it is

[hbt]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

''Mommy ,'' the little girl asks, ''how old are you ?''

''Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,'' the mother replies. ''It's not polite.''

''OK'', the little girl says, ''How much do you weigh ?''

''Now really,'' the mother says, ''those are personal questions and are really none of your business.''

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ''Why did you and Daddy get a divorce ?''

''That's enough questions, young lady ! honestly !''

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

''My Mom won't tell me anything about herself'', the little girl says to her friend.

''Well,'' says the friend, ''all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.''

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ''I know how old you are. You are 32.''

The mother is surprised and asks, ''How did you find that out ?''

''I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.''

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ''How in Heaven's name did you find that out ?''

''And'', the little girl says triumphantly,

''I know why you and daddy got a divorce.''

''Oh really ?'' the mother asks. ''Why ?''

''Because you got an F in sex.''

[Borgie]

Senior moments...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[hbt]

MY VERY FIRST TIME.....
It was my first time ever,
And I'll never forget.

I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,

We were all alone:
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,

I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,

I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best,

I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,

But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame;

All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished,

It's all over now.

My first time ever
At milking a cow...


what are you thinking sir borge!!!! :sly:

[hbt]

TWO PROSTITUTES
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."

[Borgie]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

[hbt]

HI GUYS,

WATCH THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[Roadguide2000]

Million $$ Questions;

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!


Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


THE BEST ONE:

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Sorry, jokes only....

[Roadguide2000]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife... You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.You can shop for a gift 20 minutes before you have to give it.

No wonder men are happier.

[hbt]

A Man and his Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[hbt]

Oh Dear... I like this one... How's this ace ?

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my wee-wee and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.