On the lighter side

[hbt]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. .... I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)

Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse!!!!

[hbt]

MARS AND VENUS
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ...she was so excited.
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank.
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

[conan914]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, the

teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office.

While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think this
boy can go to the third-grade. "

The teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I
ask him ?"

The principal and the boy both agreed.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boy: after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."

Teacher : "What starts with a *C* and ends with a *T*, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the
Boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Boy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.
Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat
and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck

Teacher: What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?
Boy: SURNAME

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:

SEND THIS BOY TO COLLEGE!, I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTIONS WRONG MYSELF!!! =)

[hbt]

CUCKOO CLOCK
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 a m, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[hbt]

CROCODILE DUNDEE
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodiles.'

Never underestimate the intelligence of an elderly man...

[hbt]

ONE QUESTION IQ TEST

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...


v




v



v




v




v




v




He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.'
If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer.)

[Borgie]

5 Riddles

ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I'VE SEEN....ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM....RIDDLE #5 IS AMAZING... THIS SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMERS FOR YEARS HOPEFULLY....

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE AS FOLLOWS:

Answers (highlight the text so you get to see it, minimizes cheating i say, hehe):

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days: yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

So how did you do?

[hbt]

Something to think about ! ! !

Facts to Ponder



TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. Is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is .171

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.)



Now think about this:


(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is.....
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is
.000188

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR .

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!




Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers

For fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

[Borgie]

Marketing concepts

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing

2. You are at a party with friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing.

4. You are at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You are at a party and see a gordeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback.

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's the demand and supply gap.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes and tells her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" And she goes with him : - That's competition eating into your market share.

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich Marry me!' your wife arrives: - That's either restriction for entering new markets or an illegal restraint of trade.

[hbt]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[Borgie]

The Human Body...

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles t! o balanc e itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.





Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[trekker]

Santa's Toy

And just when you thought you couldn't get lost!

[hbt]

Wal Mart Applicant revealed...
Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in
California . They hired him because he was funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FI VE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

AND OF COURSE THEY HIRED HIM
***Old People Rock! ***

[Borgie]

The Wife Store


There is a store that sell wives where any man may go to choose a wife. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ABSOLUTELY ONLY ONCE!

You may choose any woman from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a man goes to the Wife Store to find a perfect mate.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These ladies have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These ladies have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These ladies have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," the man thinks, but feels "compelled" to keep looking. He goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These ladies have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are extremely good looking and are excellent cooks.

"Oh, mercy me!" he exclaims, "I can hardly believe it!"

Still not satisfied and not knowing what he needs or wants, he goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These ladies have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are extremely good looking, are excellent cooks, and have a strong romantic streak.

He is so tempted to stay, but he gambles and goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 54,363,012 to this floor. There are no ladies on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that fickle minded greedy gamblers who are impossible to please are in the majority. Thank you for shopping at the Wife Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[Borgie]

***Old People Rock! ***

...