On the lighter side

[hbt]

Bug Spray
A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you.
And get everyone in the county to buy a case......we will make you rich."

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck !

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell ! What the devil happened ?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that calf have a mother ?"

[hbt]

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Ed was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box giftwrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[elkabong]

Health Tips

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[hbt]

THE HUMAN BODY

Very Informative !


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.


:sly:

[conan914]

i did'nt know that there's other meaning of "GPS" until i found this while watching razorspells post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUyRx...1&feature=fvwp

[razorspells]

hahaha nice!.... "Geographic Pilipino System"

i did'nt know that there's other meaning of "GPS" until i found this while watching razorspells post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUyRx...1&feature=fvwp

[Borgie]

The Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said thestomach ,"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

[hbt]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy
father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come
to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a
seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where
do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is
fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it
didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good
one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six
or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'


'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.


'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take
his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd
be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith
quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a
bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping
at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs.
Smith.


'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take
her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her
eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for
more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they
actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if
you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to
rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs. Smith
fainted

[Borgie]

Why copying from the original is better

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the
old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He
sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"

[hbt]

LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND.
THIS IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

Simple Solutions

The Difference between FOCUSING on PROBLEMS and FOCUSING on SOLUTIONS

Case # 1 : When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens would not work at zero gravity (ink will not flow down to the writing surface).

Solution # 1 : To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

Solution # 2 : And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

__________________________________________________ ______


Case # 2 : One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan 's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty.

Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly Line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Solution # 1 : Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

Solution # 2 : But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral
· Always look for simple solutions.
· Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems.
· Always focus on solutions & not on problems

[Borgie]

Very nice hbt ... learned and re-learned a lot from your post today

[hbt]

CHOKED
A dad is in a restaurant with his son.
The young man is demonstrating how he can catch a pound coin with his mouth after flipping it in the air.

Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the pound coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor ?"

"No," the woman replies," I work for the Internal Revenue. "

[hbt]

A White Lawyer and a Chinese.....

A white lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game.
The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.

This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500.
The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[hbt]

CEO of J.P Morgan's Fantastic reply to a Pretty Girl

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum: Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here:
I'm 25 this year.
I'm very pretty, have style and good taste.
I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.
My requirement is not high :
Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary?
Are you all married?
I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out?
(Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking?
I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest.
Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.
Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.
The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason.
The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset.
It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation.
If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted.
It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".
Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.
I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy.
And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...

J.P. Morgan CEO

[hbt]

live free and be happy

just sharing....