On the lighter side

[Borgie]

Why men lie...

IF YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, a genie appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The genie went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The genie again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the genie asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The genie went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked.

"Yes", he replied. The genie was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the genie again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh genie, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The genie went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the genie asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The genie was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, genie. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it...

[hbt]

IF YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED WHY MEN LIE...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, a genie appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The genie went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The genie again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the genie asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The genie went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked.

"Yes", he replied. The genie was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the genie again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh genie, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The genie went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the genie asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The genie was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, genie. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it...

si pinocchio talaga oh....

[hbt]

THE SPOON
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[hbt]

OLD MAN DIED
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her Neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."

[hbt]

Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!'

[Borgie]

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!'

nice one, couldn't stop from laughing...

[Borgie]

the waiter's thumb...

A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.

Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn’t mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes.

Then in the coffee.

Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food.

The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm."

The customer says, "why don’t you stick it up your ass!"

And the waiter says, "I do that in the kitchen!"

[Borgie]

Mexican first aid...

Luis and Francisco were having the burrito special at their favorite cantina, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned to see this viejita (old lady) a few stools down turning blue from wolfing down some menudo too fast.

Francisco said to Luis, 'What do you say Ese shall we help her?'

'Well Yea' said Luis.

Francisco got up and walked over to the viejita and asked, 'Can you briffe' (breathe) she shook her head que no.

'Can you speak?' she shook her head no... he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her drawers and licked her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the piece of menudo and began to breathe with great relief.

Francisco turned to his friend Luis and said, 'You see ese, you see...that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time.'

[hbt]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge ?" I asked.

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having ?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money ! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup !"

"Is that so !" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you ?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed ! Ain't nobody under there now !"

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER !

[hbt]

Thought for the day:
What is a man’s ultimate embarrassment?

Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[hbt]

Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood ?"
God said, "Okay" and Poof ! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".

A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is a fake".
"Oh no !" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been...raped !!".

Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 70, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".

[hbt]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT :

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.


2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. (Loved this one !)


3. She is not a DUMB BLONDE - She is a LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.


4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.


5. She does not NAG you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.


6. She is not a TWO-BIT HOOKER - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT :


1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.


2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.


3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.


4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.


5. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. (Loved this one too !)


6. It's not his CRACK you see hanging out of his pants - It's his REAR CLEAVAGE.

[Borgie]

Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed with her.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
in the dark at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep
in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of strong very hot bitter black coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you
down here at this time of night? Is something bothering you?"

The husband looks up, "I was just reminiscing. Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband to be so caring and sensitive."Yes, I do!"
she excitedly replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember that too," says the wife coyly, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

And the husband continues . . . "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face
and threatened, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

The wife is now apprehensive but still manages to say, "Yes, I remember that too."

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says . . . "I would have gotten out today!"

[Borgie]

The Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever..
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head
to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room..

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20, But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

[vubando]

Mga Tanong Na Kailangan Ng Malalim Na Pag-iisip

1. Kung ang kinakain ng vegetarian ay vegetables ano kaya kinakain ng Humanitarian?
2. Bakit kaya ang boxing Ring ay square?
3. Bakit walang Mouse-flavored na Cat food?
4. Bakit may ilaw yung ref pero wala naman yung freezer?
5. Bakit pag gusto mo i-Stop yung Windows kailangan mo pindutin yung Start?
6. Bakit kaya wala pang nababalita na "Manghuhula, nanalo sa Lotto"?
7. Bakit si Tarzan walang balbas?
8. Bakit ang mga Ob-Gyn lumalabas pa ng room pag pinagbibihis ang pasyente, eh makikita rin nila yun?
9. Bakit ang ABCD song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at Baa baa Black Ship ay pareho ng tono?(bakit mo kinakanta?)
10. Bakit hindi tinatablan ng bala si Superman pero yumuyuko pag binabato ng baril?
11. Bakit si Goofy nakatayo 2 paa lang e si Pluto nakatayo sa 4, eh pareho lang silang aso?
12. Bakit tinuturo natin ang wrist natin pag nagtatanong ng oras pero hindi ang pwet pag nagtatanong ng C.R.?
13. Bakit naka-helmet ang mga Kamikaze pilot?
14. Bakit ang mga babae hindi makapaglagay ng maskara ng nakasara ang bibig?
15. Bakit ang tawag ay Apartment eh magkakadikit sila?

Haay nako dami pa sana ako tanong na bumabagabag sa isip ko pero saka na nga......